3 Boundaries All Single Women Should Have

Dale Partridge
116
2093

Remember that song, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” by Aretha Franklin in the 60’s? Well, it’s about time you got some. A man will respect you when you respect yourself. If he doesn’t, you shouldn't be dating him. Period.

As a married man standing on the side lines, I must say you single ladies have got to put up better boundaries in your dating relationships! Think: fences, walls, lines in the sand, and some firm non-negotiables. Some of you may even need to put some barbed wire and shards of glass on top of those walls if you know what I mean…

Yes, relationships are two-way streets. Yes, I understand that you want to be loved. But don’t you want to be loved by an honorable man and not a jackass? If you recognize you're in a lawless, renegade relationship that is going nowhere, it might be time to get some better boundaries, and quick. But first, here are a few clarifying points about boundaries:

1. Setting a boundary is not making a threat

Setting a boundary is not making a threat – it is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat you in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other person disrespecting your wishes. Setting a boundary shows that you respect yourself. Which is a critical piece of communication in the first 3 months of dating.

2. Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control

Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control the other person – although some of the people who you set boundaries with will certainly accuse you of that – just as some will interpret it as a threat. Setting a boundary is part of the process to define what is acceptable to you. It is a major step in taking control of how you allow others to treat you. It is a vital responsibility to yourself and your life.

With those boundary basics said, here are 3 boundaries I think every single woman should have…

1. Treat Your Sexuality Like a Queen.

What would your sex life look like if you were a Queen? Queens are precious to their community they rule with authority, control, and class. They govern their affairs wisely. They practice self control. They know they are beautiful and worth the wait. They don’t put up with lawbreakers, jackasses, and men who want to shirk their responsibility within their community.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think women need to build better boundaries in this area. Sex has become far too casual these days. Women actually have the power to inspire men to grow up and gain some self-control. But they're not. And THEY NEED IT.

2. Don’t Stay in the Gray Forever.

You deserve to be dated. But you also deserve to be married (if you desire to be). If you’ve been hanging out in the “dating zone” far too long, make him “crap or get off the pot.” Enough stringing you along. Enough being “friends with benefits.” That’s just messing with your heart. And your heart needs to be guarded above all else. It’s your source of life. Start changing things up, by putting up a time boundary and see how he responds. “Boundaries in Dating” by Cloud and Townsend is a great resource to help you get started.

3. Use Your Honey to Attract Bees, Not Flies.

Law of attraction: Crazy attracts crazy. What are you “putting out” there and communicating to the world at large? Sure we should celebrate women's beauty. But let's redefine public beauty. It's not boobs and ass. It's character, face, story, and passions. A woman’s worth is not found in her outward appearance, but in her heart. Do your actions, words, and appearance reflect that truth? How do you dress around men? How do you act around men? What kind of words do you say around men? Use your honey to attract someone who you want coming around, not some fly who wants something for nothing.

Here are 3 boundaries I think every single woman should have.

116 COMMENTS

  1. Definitely agree with your words Dale. It’s very unclear for me the reason why women are making these mistakes, and more than that, they are ruining a real woman’s reputation, and they are putting themselves in a dark deep hole where they will eventually want to climb out, but it won’t be that simple, and considering that they are in the hole already, they’ll probably won’t make it out as well.

    I honest to God believe, what u described above, is the way a girl should live her life, having complete self control and RESPECT. I think we’re so lucky just for being women, it’s like having a superpower, cause we can get whatever we want, or whoever we want if we are smart and well behaved.
    I’m only 25, I’ve been chased by guys since school, I have been in love, I have been loved too, I have even been proposed to, and I have probably been ditched too, and all I can say is I keep learning, and I know how much power over men I posses, and I have won it probably because I deserved it, because of my actions.
    It’s not about being perfect, cause I’m way far from that road, I think it’s all about self respect, and knowing how valuable you are that will help you make the right moves, and suffer less.

  2. I was the person that needed this at one time and now I’m like “YES!!! Listen to him!!! Life is so much better when you do this!”

  3. This is the first article I’ve read from this site that just didn’t sit well with me. I agree that as a single woman it is important to have and value virtue and strength but this made it seem like men have no responsibility to be respectful. A woman does not need to work for and earn a man’s respect. It should be given. I understand this is a fundamental flaw in our society but this article makes it sound like all the responsibility lies with the woman.

    • Sammy, he isn’t saying that all the responsibility lies with the woman. He is saying that women need to protect themselves. If a women respects herself, she won’t put up with a guy who doesn’t respect her. Of course, guys need to learn what this looks like now because our society has mutilated this idea and I am seeing the result of that all over the place. Women don’t even need to be healthy and whole to command respect but it helps. Setting boundries and respecting yourself will always lead to a healthier soul. Not doing so will slowly destroy. I know this from personal experience.

    • Hi Sammy,

      I apologize if my article came off that way. I think we are saying the same thing. I was attempting to highlight a more tactical way to gain respect rather than speaking to the underlying, fundamental flaw our society has with respect.

      Thanks for the support Sammy. It means a lot.

  4. “Sex has become far too casual these days. Women actually have the power to inspire men to grow up and gain some self-control.”

    Two issues with the first one:
    A) The implication that a woman expressing her sexuality is a sign of a lack of self worth or respect. The fact of the matter is that women enjoy sex just as much as men do and some of us don’t want to have to wait for Mr. Right to come along before we can enjoy it. This doesn’t mean that we’re not treating ourselves or our sexuality “like a queen”, and it doesn’t mean that we don’t value ourselves or our sexuality. It just means we want to express it without the constraints of a monogamous relationship, which, go figure, is what men do all the time, and no one tells them that they need to have more self respect.

    B) The implication that it is a woman’s job to make men grow up and learn self control by withholding sex. That is just not how it goes. Men should be responsible for their own maturity and self control just the same way you’ve implied women should be responsible for controlling themselves. It is not a woman’s job to teach men self control by reigning in her own sexuality.

    • Hi Maggie,

      Thanks for the comment. I agree with you. My article was written to the folks who are being manipulated by men and treated with disrespect. It sounds as if you are not the case. I’m sure there are many just like you as well. But on the flipside, my comments above apply as a real issue to many women.

      Secondly, I agree with you again. Men do need to grow up. There is a reason women are not sex traffickers, pimps, porn entrepreneurs, owners of whore houses, etc. Men do not have self-control. Women naturally and statistically showcase more control here than men. I was merely highlighting that if more women exercised their power it could help grow a society in which women were more respected.

      Thanks for the support Maggie. Your comments are truly valued. 🙂

      • Women aren’t naturally granted better self-control than men. They learn it through a double-standard of pressure in society, because for women to neglect practicing self-control will likely be met with more dissent than if a man does the same. Women are currently involved in the sex trade and pornography industries at every level and perpetuate it just as much as men, they just don’t do it as openly or often because of fear of consequence and judgement, not self-control.
        Everyone is equally susceptible to weaknesses, and science shows that the previously accepted notion of men having a naturally more powerful sex drive has been completely demolished.
        Maybe you could write an article for men about the benefits of practicing self-control toward the opposite sex, or just in general so that this will sit a little better with touchy readers.

      • I completely agree with you Maggie. I just wanted to add to your second point….I take a LOT of issue when someone suggests to me that I should withhold sex from my boyfriend in order to get him to do something I want. I think that it is a COMPLETELY unnacceptable thing to do for several different reasons.

        First, in that suggestion lies the implication that I don’t enjoy sex as much as my boyfriend, which is not only stereotypical, but entirely untrue. Which means that if he’s not having sex, I am also not having sex.

        Second of all, I’m objectifying myself, which would be a highly hypocritical thing for me to do considering how much I condemn other people for doing it. I am using myself and my body as a bargaining chip in a trade that I am making, which is not what it should be viewed as. It is not something to be “won” in exchange for something else; my body is not merely a reward for good behavior. That’s not how it works in my relationship, and I’d like to keep it that way. I get to decide when I want to have sex, and he has that same right. (This, not to mention that even if I wasn’t in a relationship and wanted to have sex with multiple partners, that would be okay too, and would not at all imply that I’m insecure, and that doing so is just encouraging men to be assholes…I shouldn’t have to give up the right to express my sexuality because men can’t manage to be mature and have self-control)

        Third, I find it extremely demeaning to men. It implies that they have no self-control and will do anything they can to have sex. I think it stereotypes them, and doesn’t give them enough credit. If anything, I agree with you there, that women have to believe in men, that we can’t assume they’re all assholes who are out to take advantage of us and all they want from us is sex, EVEN the ones that may come off that way. I’m not advocating for anyone staying in a bad relationship of any kind, but to not being with someone because we make assumptions about who they are seems rather silly to me. The thing is, if we assume certain things about people, they will end up seeing themselves that way, and become what we assumed them to be. I think that’s happened to men for a long time, with assumptions being made and standards being determined both by men and women and I think that’s a huge problem. (That said…I do think the majority of this pressure comes from OTHER MEN, which means that this is generally a men’s problem to fix, and that burden shouldn’t be on women, where Mr. Partridge has placed it. Men condemn women ALL THE TIME for creating impossible beauty standards, slut shaming, etc. each other, but I don’t think there exists any greater pressure than the standards and expectations of masculinity that MEN create for themselves, and each other).

    • I completely agree with you Maggie. I just wanted to add to your second point….I take a LOT of issue when someone suggests to me that I should withhold sex from my boyfriend in order to get him to do something I want, even as a joke. I think that it is a COMPLETELY unacceptable thing to do for several different reasons.

      First, in that suggestion lies the implication that I don’t enjoy sex as much as my boyfriend, which is not only stereotypical, but entirely untrue. Which means that if he’s not having sex, I am also not having sex.

      Second of all, I’m objectifying myself, which would be a highly hypocritical thing for me to do considering how much I condemn other people for doing it. I am using myself and my body as a bargaining chip in a trade that I am making, which is not what it should be viewed as. It is not something to be “won” in exchange for something else; my body is not merely a reward for good behavior. That’s not how it works in my relationship, and I’d like to keep it that way. I get to decide when I want to have sex, and he has that same right. (This, not to mention that even if I wasn’t in a relationship and wanted to have sex with multiple partners, that would be okay too, and would not at all imply that I’m insecure, and that doing so is just encouraging men to be assholes…I shouldn’t have to give up the right to express my sexuality because men can’t manage to be mature and have self-control)

      Third, I find it extremely demeaning to men. It implies that they have no self-control and will do anything they can to have sex. I think it stereotypes them, and doesn’t give them enough credit. If anything, I agree with you there, that women a certain role to play and a certain responsibility in that they have to believe in men, that we can’t assume they’re all assholes who are out to take advantage of us and all they want from us is sex, EVEN the ones that may come off that way. I’m not advocating for anyone staying in a bad relationship of any kind, but to not being with someone because we make assumptions about who they are seems rather silly to me. The thing is, if we assume certain things about people, they will end up seeing themselves that way, and become what we assumed them to be. I think that’s happened to men for a long time, with assumptions being made and standards being determined both by men and women and I think that’s a huge problem. (That said…I do think the majority of this pressure comes from OTHER MEN, which means that this is generally a men’s problem to fix, and that burden shouldn’t be on women, where Mr. Partridge has placed it. Men condemn women ALL THE TIME for creating impossible beauty standards, slut shaming, etc. each other, but I don’t think there exists any greater pressure than the standards and expectations of masculinity that MEN create for themselves, and each other).

    • It’s as if this article says that without women setting boundaries, men are incapable of controlling themselves, as if they are Neanderthals and that is very insulting to men.

    • Wow. That’s a tough question Marilene. I think I might need another article for that one. Let me think about this more.

  5. What a fantastic article! I fully agree on all your points. They also reflect the moral standards of the Bible, which are the most beneficial principals we could apply and live by. Wonderful!

  6. I love this! I recently had to set a “boundary” with a guy friend. We weren’t sleeping together, but he knew I was attracted to him and just strung me along in between trying to find something better. He kept looking for my personality in a 5’10” blonde bombshell frame instead of my 5’1″ 95lb one. As much as I still have feelings for him, I couldn’t be his backup plan any longer. Now I’m with a man who I’m his gold medal, not his second place.

  7. Hello Dale,
    Thank for this article. It is important for a woman to respect herself and wait for what she deserves. If half of the female population would see themselves as “Queens,” there would be a lot less broken hearts. Sometimes there’s a mentality in tact that can cause a person to get accustomed to accepting something less. I’m thankful that you shed the light from the Bible and from a mans perspective.

  8. Comment when you are a female instead of pointing fingers. I’m sick of men telling us how we should be doing things. Deal with yourselves as men 1st.

    • They lack accountability! The parents failed! There are a few select men though that know what being a grown man is about and how to pursue the relationship that they want. A man leads by example, not by shrugging his shoulders at the outcome of his actions and the latter is what we see a lot of today.

  9. I don’t know if someone ‘deserves to be married’. Strange thing to feel the universe owes you – matrimony. If two people are committed to each other and don’t feel they need to be married to be happy, where’s the harm.
    What is right for one person is not necessarily right for the other. The sweeping statement of ‘All Single Women’ may garner you some hits, but it wont garner respect – why just women? and given the complexities of each human being how could anything possibly apply without condition to an entire gender?

    Also you spoke of men shirking responsibility? By insinuating that a mans self restraint is completely reliant on a woman refusing him, you facilitate their lack of responsibility.

    I recommend that single people do what feels right for them, and as long as they dont do anything they are not comfortable with or that diminishes their self worth (as in, how THEY feel about THEMSELVES), they wont go too far wrong.

    • You are right. It looks as if all women are dying just to catch a man in marriage. Unfortunately many probably are due to societal brainwashing that they should strive to and want marriage desperately. On the other hand men, are looked by the society that they are a catch and not desperate as single men. Unfortunately, reproductive function plays role here too. BUt still even if women can’t reproduce anymore, I still don’t reason we should see them as desperate. There are men who don’t want or need children.

  10. Dale, I enjoy your positive tweets daily and respect your work. This article has positive intentions, but it is presumptuous. Is it necessary for you to tell women ‘what they should have’ or should do.

    • I think this article serves 3 purposes – 1.) to bring attention to the truth that women to protect their hearts 2) for women know what a Godly man is looking for, and 3.) to show men what a Godly woman looks like.

    • I think this article serves 3 purposes: 1.) To call attention to the fact that women need to protect their hearts and act in a manner that proves they value themselves 2.) To be an example of what a Godly man is looking for, and 3.) To show other Godly men what they should be looking for in a woman.

  11. Wonderful article!! I have SO much respect for men who seek out these qualities in women (and for men who are bold enough to risk striking a nerve and speaking the truth). If this article left you feeling defensive – good. It was something you needed to hear.

  12. This article is disgusting! Why dont you stop passing judgement on everyone else and look at setting boundaries for yourself you stupid man!!!!!!

    • Stop reading his articles if you don’t like them. Just because they don’t speak to you doesn’t mean that they don’t speak to anyone else.

  13. Awesome article. We attract what we are. I’ve dated and by setting up boundaries I was able to see who really loved me for me. Ofcourse it hurts when someone walks away because you want to stay pure til marriage, but hey God is good and he has someone WAY better in mind. I learned that it was my choice to do things my way (emotional and selfish), or God’s way (amazing).
    Thanks for sharing!

  14. Sorry, but I really think that since you’re a man, you should REALLY stop writing these articles telling women how to live their lives. Instead, why not write an article telling men how women should be treated? That way, you’ll be addressing an audience you have a better grasp of how to handle, while perhaps still getting across the message you’re trying to express. Women have enough men telling them how they should be. Men need someone to tell THEM how to treat people.

    • It’s all about self respect, honestly this could be pointed at both sides. Gender equality starts when we all start with everyone, not starting w men or women.

  15. A sense of wisdom that realizes that this world is for the betterment of all creatures who are alive and who are to come to the world in future will serve to the whole mankind. As same as women who are unselfish will remain as women of important! Breaking of boundaries that she must keep is reflecting the selfishness and the narrow mindset that she posses. As an Asian woman I appreciate this article to a community which is going bad to worse as a habit.

  16. I guess I’m a little surprised that you would include curse words in any article you write. From one Christian to another, please consider your actions.

  17. What would be the male equivalent to “treating your sexuality like a queen”? Should men also be more guarded? You say “Call me old-fashioned, but I think women need to build better boundaries in this area.” but it takes two to tango. Women wouldn’t be having sex by themselves…men clearly need equal boundaries as well, since it should not be the burden of one gender to ‘police’ the other. It insults both women and men – that women and/or men cannot control themselves? Agree or no?

    • I couldn’t agree with you more Sue! In order for such boundaries to be respected, men would have to be practicing those boundaries themselves.

  18. Dale,

    As a young woman, I am in agreement with your overall thesis that women should respect themselves and only enter into relationships with men who share that respect.

    Like other readers, I take issue with one nuance in your article. Which, unfortunately, is a current of mainstream society and has the power to undermine the very positive intentions of your message. “Women actually have the power to inspire men to grow up and gain some self-control. But they’re not. And THEY NEED IT.”

    This implies that the burden is on the female to change the male’s behavior. This is not our responsibility.

    However, we do have control over with whom we choose to become involved. And, instead of entering into a relationship, of whatever variety, with a man who needs to grow up, women should only be engaging with those boys who have already made the journey into manhood.

    This will leave those boys to figure it out for themselves. And, don’t the experts all say that change must come from within?

    Sincerely,

    A Self Respecting Woman

  19. Kudos to you for writing such an article. I agree with you as a male and I feel like the heart and intent of the article resounds true. I don’t understand why so many women on here are nitpicking everything and trying to tear you down. Obviously there are many women on here that do enjoy what you have to say. The ones who are complaining do not seem very pleasant and should reconsider “The Daily Positive”.

  20. As a young woman, i completely agree. I don’t feel like you’re being objective by any means due to the total difference in the genders. Women are by r more emotional creatures than men, well on the surface. Where as men are more physical and to the point. I feel like men and women play dofferent roles in ps and as women we do need to set the boundries and respect ourselves. This is why this keeps occurring, i mean you can say the man you just slept with has no respect for himself or for you for that matter but you never even tried to demand it and honestly, he’s probably more likely to settle down with the one who does. You’re just like any other one who will give him the pleasure he desires.

  21. Its the guidance Ive been looking for. Thank you! Early 20s and getting a ton better at speaking up about what I know I deserve, and not accepting anything less than! The right man will respect that, all the others will be left behind with no looking back. 🙂 Just watched Don Jon tonight ironically, and that too gave me perspective. Love your blog!!!

  22. Two thumbs up! I mean this is great! you just point it out!! Im on a dating status right now and you just share us one vital lesson. Thank you 🙂

  23. I really, REALLY LOVE this post! 🙂 And considering it’s coming from a male’s perspective. This is a good read for all us women. Cheers for posting 🙂

  24. “Women actually have the power to inspire men to grow up and gain some self-control. But they’re not. And THEY NEED IT.”

    As a man, I find this offensive. I don’t need a woman to inspire me to grow up. I want, can and do grow up myself without having to be prompted at every turn. I also think it would be unacceptable of me to put that responsibility on a person I am involved with. I am responsible for my own actions and if I need to grow up and acquire self-control, it is not up to anyone but me to do something about it. If another person is willing to help me out, that’s great, but that’s at best supererogatory.

    • I agree wholeheartedly that this sentence “could” seem offensive. But I think the important word here is “inspire,” which isn’t like nagging, requiring, subjugating or controlling. I feel inspired when I see something unique, surprising and/or wonderful and it propels me to act (for myself, for others, for no good reason than it would be fun). So yes, there are people in my life who have the “power to inspire” me to be the best I can, like my children, my partner, my friends, and nice folks like you on the inter-tubes. I sure hope that I can inspire others too, especially the people I love the most.

      • Some women may well have the power to inspire some men. Those men may well benefit from that inspiration and some of those women may well enjoy being an inspiration to the men in their lives. But that is not the part I found offensive. The sentence is offensive for men because it says that we “NEED” women to inspire us. There is no such need. I am perfectly capable of growing up without getting inspired by a woman. The sentence is also offensive towards women because it implies that women have the responsibility to inspire men to grow up. Women have no such responsibility. Women can certainly choose to take on that responsibility if they wish to, but just because they are women does not mean that they have such a responsibility.

        The problem of this section of the article is that it attempts to pigeon-hole people in traditional gender roles. Men are irresponsible and cannot help but behave poorly while women are responsible adults and have a duty to fix men. This gives license to men to act poorly and blame their inappropriate actions on women in their lives and burdens women with a responsibility they may not have agreed to take on. This is infantilizing to men and disrespectful to women.

        • You are definitely right. This is good reasoning.Parents raise sons in the way that he having sex at an early age without committment is allright while they have got stricter rules for girls. As a result there are many problems in this world where women and girls are labelled as sluts for the same demenour their male counterparts display and for which they are labelled as cool dudes. So that’s very hipocritical, unfair and unhealthy. It creates gap between genders which in turn creates further problems between married couples as well. Girls and boys should be raised in the same way.

  25. I have definitely set these boundaries, waiting for the one God has chosen for me. I feel so alone with these choices at times, because the “world” thinks its old-fashioned. When I learned to love myself the way God loves me, I realized I’m worth it. I’m so thankful for this understanding.

  26. Where is the similarly preachy post to single men? You can’t put all the problems with modern dating on the shoulders of women; it’s not fair and inaccurate, not to mention offensive.

    • Instead of playing the victim card and accusing things of not being “fair” and getting defensive, choose to control what you can.
      Yes, men and women both play a role, but this post is dealing with factors that women specifically have control over that they may find helpful at some juncture.

    • I am a women and I think that some women need this reminder. I think it was a very thoughtful post. It reminds women that they should have boundaries and respect for themselves.

    • Thank you! I totally agree. If a man isn’t going to respect you after sex, for participating in the same act of pleasure with you then he’s not worth your time.

      People complain that the government is like a baby daddy to illegitimate children, but the government has also become a baby daddy to many American men because their parents didn’t do a good job of raising them with respect. Now the government has to chase after deadbeat dads because they are still busy being little boys. SHAME ON YOU PARENTS OF AMERICA! You taught your sons to find a good respectable girl without teaching him to be good and respectable himself! You taught your sons that it’s ok to act on their impulses, to put women in a position where they have to avoid being shamed, and if any woman gives into her impulses just as your son does, she gets belittled and labeled as someone who is not good enough for that spoiled spawn of yours you call a son…hypocrites!!

      • I think respecting oneself and body should be applied to both sex. I don’t think it’s a good idea to go on a second date with some who wanted to get you to bed on the first night. So sons should be raised by their families in the same manner as women. There shouldn’t be any differences.

  27. HI Dale, Stumbled across your blog via twitter a couple of weeks ago and i must say its God sent. I somehow found myself in the gray/friendzone for the past two years after years of being the one ‘lecturing’ my friends. i let go of my boundaries and in turn found out he was recently about to propose to someone else. It really does boil down to respect and clearly i didn’t respect myself. but let’s just say God had to yank me out of the messed up situation and i am thankful for that and also for your pearls of wisdom. It truly has inspired me.

  28. I agree with some of what you’ve said, Dale. I think women need to set better boundaries but the reality is that men no longer have to meet them. Men can sow their oats, bypass women with certain standards and then settle down whenever they’re ready. If you’re not lucky (read: beautiful, socioeconomically advantaged, preferred race), then “it” might not happen for you.

  29. Just feel the need to address the statement that so many posters on here are going crazy over. I am a female and I do agree with statement #1. One of the reasons so many women get hurt in relationships is because they give in sexually too early to men before gaining the man’s love and respect. Some men/boys will say any and everything to get in bed with a woman. Women need to be aware of the physical and chemical differences between a man and woman. A wise man once told me that sex to a man is a physical action, like sticking your finger in a hole, it just feels better. However, sex is only emotional to a man once he is in love with that woman and having sex with her will not make him love her. For many women this is not the case, a woman often will have sex once she is emotionally invested in the man. Unless she is just out for pure physical pleasure and wants no emotional tie to this man, then I don’t see how your statement can be offensive. Women need to wise up and realize that no, men and women are not created equally, we are biologically different. If mama didn’t teach him to have control over his sexual desires, then honey you sure better or else you’ll be just another one of those poor girls with a baby’s daddy. RESPECT yourself and if you really like him, make him wait until you feel assured he’s not just in for what he can get and then off to the next pretty girl willing to give in to his desires. Thanks for your post:)

    • “However, sex is only emotional to a man once he is in love with that woman and having sex with her will not make him love her. For many women this is not the case, a woman often will have sex once she is emotionally invested in the man. !Unless she is just out for pure physical pleasure and wants no emotional tie to this man!”

      And you don’t see any similarities between the two in this paragraph?
      Are you kidding me?

      So women are better because they ONLY have sex once they’re emotionally invested compared to men?

  30. Sorry but I don’t want to be the woman who inspires a man to grow up. I want a man who IS grown up. This is something his mother and father should have instilled in him. I’m sorry, but having sex with a man is an equal exchange of pleasure and sex does not make women fall in love either. The next agenda for women is to understand the difference between love, lust and like. I’m not going to give the time of day to Mr. Wrong, but I’m not gonna sit around like some born again virgin just because a certain guy may only be Mr. Right Now. If I did that, I would hardly have sex and sex keeps you healthy so I won’t be missing out on ANY 😉

  31. I think the point here is to be a wise woman and if you want a man to respect you then respect yourself. It is really THAT simple. Love yourself and accept no less from others. period. I love this article. Thanks for the words.

  32. This issue of boundaries is important to me as person in a long term relationship that has been stalled for decades despite many attempts at change and counselling, etc… We have kids. My wife is in love with me but depressed. I feel responsible for her but not in love. It’s a fairly stock standard situation.

    The difficult bit is when I develop feelings with other women who are my dear friends. It is my experience that after years of managing the situation, finding healthy outlets, etc.. that a few times (talking 3 here) that I have in a open, but not demanding way, mentioned my feelings.

    BANG! The response is huge. I am accused of not honoring my wife, and that they can’t have anymore relationship with me because I should work things out with my wife. And that is the END – closely held friendships lasting years over in minutes. I am not trying to pursue anything, I am not angling to get anyone into bed or otherwise violate my vows, I am just being open about my feelings that I really deeply cherish and respect these people.

    The reality is, although I am committed, there is little chance after nearly a quarter of a century that my relationship will change. My wife is chronically depressed but I am devoted to taking care of her, and our kids as a family.

    What is the sin in having a very human emotion. Is it impossible for women to just be open to these emotions, or because of my integrity am I in a situation of never being able to be open about feelings of love. What is so terrible about them that it should destroy friendships? Help me out here because I don’t understand the woman’s perspective.

    Anyway, I am over it and investing my time in meditation and finding internal liberation.

    • You want a woman’s perspective? I’ll give you one. What you’re engaging in is called an emotional affair and its actually more devastating to a woman than a sexual affair is. That’s what’s wrong with it. You are married whether you are in love with your wife or not. You do not get to express feelings of love for other women outside of your marriage nor do you get to share intimate details of your marriage or your wife’s condition with anyone outside of the marriage other than a therapist or spiritual advisor. Doing so is an incredible violation of your wife’s privacy and would hurt her far more than any sexual relationship because you didn’t just share your body with another woman in a way that might not mean anything to you, you shared your heart, your innermost feelings and details of your private life, together. You’ve taken vows that you are in serious violation of when you engage in these emotional affairs. If your wife is depressed, then she needs serious long-term treatment that probably includes medication and psychotherapy. As her husband you are responsible for making sure that she gets whatever she needs to be well so that she can fully participate in your marriage just as though she were suffering form cancer or some other debilitating physical disease. And you need to be 100% fully engaged in treatment, not out chatting up “years long friends” who see what you are trying to do for what it really is. They’re right. You ARE dishonoring the woman who has spent a quarter of a century with you, given you children and stayed by the side of a man who has no more heart for her than to treat her in this despicable and cruel manner. It’s no wonder she’s depressed! Take it from a woman who’s been exactly where your wife is, now, and knock it off with the “poor-me” schtick. The one in this marriage I feel pity for is your long-suffering wife.

      • Bug off ,you idiot,,this man is haveing a hard time,,the wife needs to stop wallowing in self pity,,and think of her husband,he’s a good man,, i can hear that

        • Thank you – I agree stoll. This man is being honest and the second he does on here with a legit question for us all, especially dealing with a depressed partner which is tough situation, he gets slammed by nettkitten. There are far too many people that would LIKE to share somethings where they can get some concrete answers delivered in LOVE rather than a beating like the one he just got from a cold hearted stranger. Yes marriage vows are sacred – yet the reality is a partner in marriage can make things EXCEEDINGLY difficult, even if not on purpose when they withdraw from a partner emotionally – especially after he confessed they have tried about everything. It’s a tough one yes, but beating him up – not good.

  33. Refreshing that this is written by a man. #1 is my favorite. It never cease to surprise me how a man’s attitude changes once he realizes that your honey bee is actually sacred for you and you don’t just give it away easily. Sadly women give away their power afraid to set those boundaries because they don’t want to lose someone. But what’s the point in keeping the wrong someone anyways? I love this post. Very true

  34. “… let’s redefine public beauty. It’s not boobs and ass. It’s character, face, story, and passions. A woman’s worth is not found in her outward appearance, but in her heart.” — perfect line and I totally agree. I love this article for what it stands for. Women have to respect themselves and expect more from men if they want the type of relationship that they know they deserve.

  35. I’he tried setting boundaries and it’s been so hard bc guys just turn around and accusee me of being a bitch or something. I used to have a lot of guys after me trying to use me but it left me feeling alone and worthlesss how I feel in my current relationship bc we constantly argue. Any advice? I’ve left guys who are jerks in the past and tried to put myfoot down to say I am not hear to be booty called or name called or used as an object but I constantly fight to find that balance of boundaries to safely protect my heart from will who have and continue to seek to hurt it.

  36. Thanks for writing this especially from the male perspective. It gives me hope that respectful men are still out there looking for respectable women. In my experiences I have found such men are the exception and not the rule out in the dating world so this gave me much reassurance!

  37. Hi I really liked this article. This is something I am trying to keep in mind while being single. Although I cant help by feeling discouraged with the men who think its okay to ask for inappropriate pictures. They have no intention of ever caring about you and barely even know you. Is this something that is always wrong and that one should avoid?

  38. What a joke. Young women have no respect for anyone but themselves a good portion of the time. You should be advocating they show respect to others before themselves and they’ll get respect in return. Instead you tell them a bunch of “put yourself on a pedestal” B.S. NEWSFLASH! A sad number of young women don’t need to be told that and no number of “respectless” women in shitty relationships will change that. You’d be amazed how many women will date someone who treats them like shit then turn around and treat respectful men like shit because they’re “boring.”

    • You sound angry, like someone recently broke your heart. Are you an advocate for low self-esteem? If a person doesn’t first respect themselves, how can they respect anyone else…

        • Shaming language..hmmmm. The truth must hurt. Have you ever read any of the things you post from another’s perspective? That’s all you do, except you take 2 days to do it. Be blunt, no one likes passive aggressive drivel.

  39. This post was incredibly beautiful and inspiring. Thanks so much for posting! I agree: for most young women and men these days, intimate contact has become way too casual.
    I recently went out with a refined, cultured gentleman, who as a PH.D student within my field, appeared (superficially) to be everything I was looking for: we shared similar values, beliefs and life goals.
    On our second date I made it clear that I have clearly defined physical boundaries and that I will not cross this threshold unless there is a possibility of a fulfilling & meaningful future with that person (the requisite is that I must feel loved and love him In return; which, in my experience, necessarily takes months). At this, he told me (honestly and with integrity, I might add) that he was not ready to be in a committed relationship: I accepted his disclosure respectively, and we parted ways. I value myself too much to objectify or disillusion myself: if a man isn’t willing to commit, he isn’t willing to commit. Curtailing my personal boundries arent going to change this– I learned this the hard way.
    It took a lot of courage to stand up for myself and to walk away, especially when I really liked him and could have seen a future with him. But the more the muscle is flexed, the more it builds. I’d rather be alone than be with the wrong person, and despite our similarities and compatibility he was clearly the wrong person.
    Boundries not only protect us, but they empower and liberate us. Any man who doesn’t respect this, isn’t worthy or privy to my affections. period.
    Again, this article rang so true for me! It’s refreshing to hear (especially from a guy) that there are peole are there who encourage and respect personal boundries around intimate contact. 🙂
    Thanks for posting!

  40. Most women that are still single today is because many of them are very extremely picky when it comes to relationships, and with so many very high maintenance women these days is a very good reason too.

  41. What if you have already established a relationship without any boundaries. How do you reverse the damage already done? Is it possible?

  42. 1. Queens have or do not have sex with whoever they want because they are the motherfucking boss. Ever heard of Queen Elizabeth I? She never married, had at least two love affairs – that we know of – and was arguably the greatest monarch to rule Great Britain. And you may want to google bees and ants. I’ll do whatever and whoever I want because I refuse to play by society’s bullshit rules.
    THAT is what queens do.
    2. I don’t take issue with this because you added “if you choose to be”.
    3. I do not need you to tell me my worth. My worth lies in my intelligence, my sense of humor, my empathy, my resilience, my curiosity, my “crazy”, and countless other aspects of my personality.
    My face is part of what determines my value? Yeeeaaaah, nope. That’s the icing on the cake.
    And nothing NOTHING I or any woman says, does, or wears justifies disrespectful or shitty treatment from men. To imply women are responsible for men’s bad behavior is sexist condescending pretzel logic. The idea that men are incapable of honor or decency unless women show them how is insulting. Points for being egalitarian in your sexism I guess?
    The sooner we as a culture raise our children to see women as human beings deserving of respect and dignity the better.
    Thanks for the advice though, sensei.

  43. Dale, I know that you strive to do good in the world, I know you’ve had success, but I can’t comprehend quite where you are coming from on this article. Perhaps you have a paternalistic desire to protect these single women, as you would a daughter? Or you are seeing way too many women enter into abusive relationships and you want to help? In any case, it seems well intentioned.

    My main concern here is your tone. Women are much, much smarter than you are suggesting here. The ones who enter into codependent relationships do so out of a place of their own emotional scarring, not out of stupidity. As much as I’d like to shake some of my female friends in codependent relationships and say “what the heck!?”, I know that ultimately they are bright women who are working out their own issues. I never tell them directly they ‘should’ do. They must discover this on their own.

    I also think it’s critical to step back and maintain some self awareness any time that you, as a male, feel compelled to tell women about how to handle their own sexuality. This often comes off as belittling and arrogant. Women have agency over their own bodies, and openly judging their choices does nobody any good. If you spend time with bright, strong-willed women, you quickly learn that being told how to handle our bodies is not well received.

    Basically, think what you will in private, but publicly educating women about their bodies and ‘self respect’ is hardly a modern or well-informed approach. In fact, you border on boundary violation when you tell women what they ‘should’ do. I see your good intentions, but I think that you need to redirect your concerns, channel them elsewhere.

    Your interests in helping people are shared by many, and some find it helpful to get professional trainings about counseling and psychotherapy, or to hone their social science writing skills, in order to gain wider readership on relationship topics.

    • Hello
      I have many bright and ambitious female friends who I think could definitely benefit from Dale’s statements. If your friends think that telling them about the manner in which they treat there sexual encounters would be belittling then they may see truth in the statement but may not accept it from you. When it is received from general reading, as women we are asked to take an in depth look at how we conduct ourselves in everyday life. There are many relationships in which we wonder where did we go wrong. Having a strong foundation gives you an advantage point to weed out the boys from the men aka flies from the bees.

      SAK

    • Danielle, I think you really hit the nail on the head here. This article bothered me and I had a hard time articulating exactly why. Thank you for putting it into words in such a respectful way!

  44. I can see maybe where you had good intentions with this post but it seems more accusatory and I find it offensive to women

  45. It must have been hard to be so kind in stating this truth in your article when so many women are so dumb about these things. Well said!!

  46. WOW! I just read this and didn’t take anything away from it that felt demeaning or belittling! I felt quite uplifted as I’ve just come out of a long, unhealthy relationship and for the first time in my adult life (I’m 47) have started dating. I went on my first date at the age of 47…sounds crazy right! This is because for too long (before marriage and come to think of it even during my marriage) I wasn’t honoring myself, setting boundaries or treating myself with respect (because I didn’t feel like I was worth it) but now at 47 I went on my first date with a man (whom I’m still dating) and have learned that I am worthy of respect and that I don’t have to have sex right away to keep a man’s interest. I am in control of myself and in return have earned his respect, plus we have had many conversations (yes, actual spoken words…haha…not texting or messaging or emailing) about our choice to wait. It’s something we respect in one another, creating an even stronger bond.

  47. I’ve set a boundary where I don’t let men dictate what I should or should not do with my body, my life, or my sexuality.

  48. Thank you married white man for giving your input on how single women, who you don’t even know, should live their lives. Lord knows what we women would do without you guys telling us how to be better, happier people.

  49. I feel that I do all of this…yet I still sit on my couch, alone, on a Friday night. I have no sexual intentions when I have my eyes on a guy I am trying to flirt with, but they never seem to pick up on my signs. My winks and smiles are never responded to on the dating sites I have been attempting. So, yes, I know I am a Queen, but my King seems to be unresponsive or lost. Or maybe just a douche.

    • … I am not a genius or any of that but umm… Quit with the damn signs. Things are confusing enough with women. Be a Alpha Woman. Get up and ask him for some coffee or tea,

      Unfortunately the thing about dating sites is you get to pick and choose who you wink and smile to but so does the person you wink. They don’t get to be wooed by your charm or see the cute way you giggle.

      This is what you do. Go socialize. Initiate contact. Meet and greet everyone. Become interesting. Work out all of that stuff.

      If you are sitting alone on your couch on a Friday night it is because you want to, not because someone isn’t there to carry you out.

  50. Besides that fact that I was surprised and disappointed to find that the tone and message of this article were inconsistent with the more encouraging, less judgmental posts that I normally see here, I think it’s also worth mentioning that the plural of “woman” is “women,” and therefore the whole post seems unprofessional from the title alone. Although there are many other things I could say, most of what bothers me most has already been stated in previous comments, so I will simply add that I think it’s dangerous and assumptive to say “all women” (or in this case “all woman”), when the lives and relationships of women are so varied and diverse. Taking the “all women” approach seems to me to be lazy writing and a sign of a poorly-thought-out argument. I expected better.

  51. From my experiences with men in general as an older woman, they seem to place conditions around respecting women. In your article you also place conditions on women to access respect from men. Your article should be addressing men and their lack of respect for women and their lack of personal responsibility, the language they use to discuss women, their unfair classificarions for women based on their biases and this childish mentality that fathers teach sons and is passed down generationally and culturally with negative rhetoric and ignorance, and the refusal to see women as equals with their own individual power to choose their life experiences, how to dress, who to have sex with, whether to be fat, whether to wear make up, or not. I am sick to death of men prescribing how women should look, act, dress etc. so as to access their respect. Men are no longer in charge! They don’t get to dictate the terms of respect. They need to lift their game because women don’t need them.

  52. Love your messsge! It’s not surprising that many won’t agree with you..As a woman who tries hard to live by Godly principles. .I am very appreciative of your wisdom and guidance from a male perspective. .Keep sharing as your are directed..One Love!

  53. Maybe you should lay out rules for men in dating rather than for women. I know you probably meant no offense by this post, but this is in silting to read. Women can choose how they date and yes while they should set healthy boundaries, they don’t need a man to tell them those. The part that made me particularly upset is the part about women having sex. Lemme break something down for you: SOME WOMEN LIKE SEX. And it is not their job to change mens behaviors it is men’s job to do that.

  54. I agree with this article. To all the people that are saying are equal in terms of porn, and etc. you are wrong, you are probably used to being used and have normalized it. I find as not an easy woman women that are “loose” in terms if their sexuality and power are wrong. They probably will not get married because women like this repulse men. Men will have sex with a woman like this but will not marry one.

  55. I disagree with this article. It’s exactly why you hear lyrics such as “girls are walking around like they got diamonds in their c**chie.” Excuse the language but, to me, that tells me guys are finding dating or asking for sex frustrating and almost a dig to their pride when their approaching girls that are snubbing them as if they’re not good enough. This concept above also confuses guys with these same conservative thoughts when women ask them for sex. Then they assume she doesn’t respect herself or even know her own needs when many girls do, in fact, know their needs as a reader above stated. This girl may be highly sexual and love sex and expressing her sexuality in the sense that it makes her feel good: she releases sexual tension, gains experience, it’s an opportunity for her feel sexy and it not have to be in a monogamous relationship. Women can can self confidence just as men do in having sex. Now there are times when women may settle for guys that don’t treat them well but this may be because when they held to their standards No guys approached them so they thought maybe their standards were too high. And in trying to be more realistic fell for shitty person. It can happen especially when the guy is a liar and manipulator for his own selfish wants this doesn’t make the mistreatment something she can always readily see and avoid. How about an article where men are told to think of women as they would a sister. Then the way women should be properly treated I think would naturally follow. Women should be more selfish and that would shut out a lot of bad men I agree. Both we should be less judgmental on both sides. Bc what’s being created are women that make men feel inferior in some sorts and women who open up to selfish men and end up hurt Bc he finds more pleasure in being selfish than meeting her halfway. Both parties need to be playing their part. The truth is everyone is constantly growing and evolving. No one is perfect and we’re all human so women should be respected if they just want to have sex and not so readily judged of being a hoe and valued less. There are girls out there but that should be for the guy to decide on individual basis not as a blanket statement. Females should value themselves enough to protect themselves but the reason that is has to do with preventing harm from selfish douchebags. Maybe if more men realized this they wouldn’t be so offended by women holding themselves with such a high regard. Men should be meeting women halfway then women wouldn’t have to be so extremely guarded.

  56. Well speaking of single women which they’re very much too blame why so many of us good innocent men are still single today when we really should’ve Never been in the first place. And many of us men Aren’t Single By Choice at all.

  57. This is a great article. It filled me with so much hope and strength specially because it was written by a man. Its so sad reading those comments criticizing the author for giving his wise advise to us women rather than to men. My biggest hurt in life is not having a father in my life to protect me and guide me in this life. So thank you for being that voice of wisdom and encouragement that every women needs, not just from their mothers but also from their fathers, uncles and any male figure in their lives. We need more men like you in our lives. It is men like you that raises the strong and confident woman who fair better in life, in their marriages, career and families. So many women, while young, want to live life like men, not knowing that time and nature is cruelest to us women than to men. Our time, bodies and energy is extremely valuable because it is unlike that of a man. After we become adults, it is our sole responsibility, not mens responsibility, to protect and respect ourselves. In an ideal world everybody would respect each other. However, we do not live in an a ideal world. Men are free to behave as they please, let them reap what they sow. And ladies if you too want to live liberally as some men do, know that you too will reap what you sow. Thank you for such a great article. Shalom

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