How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You

Dale Partridge
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In 2008, I was in a relationship with a girl in Southern California. We had been dating for about 2 years and had even started attending church together every Sunday. I was close with her family and friends and our relationship was getting quite serious.

While she was on a 60 day trip overseas, I received a call from an acquaintance alerting me of some hurtful news. He had heard that my girlfriend had cheated on me with my best friend. Shocked and confused, I made an immediate international phone call to ask her myself.

It was true.

I dropped down to my knees and felt like throwing up. I hung up the phone, hopped in my car, and cried.

As the days and weeks went by, the thought of forgiveness hadn't even crossed my mind. I had too much pain.

Consequently, I found myself angry and bitter. I would talk bad about them to others and it even began hard to sleep or be happy. It was 9 months later when it finally happened. After reading this quote on the back of a flyer on floor of a parking lot:

“Forgiveness is like letting a prisoner free and finding out the prisoner was you”

And it so began. I made the tough emotional decision to let it pass. To let myself free and to be joyful, once again.

Are you struggling to forgive someone who hurt you? Are you filled with anger, pain, and frustration? Maybe it's time…

I found this video below that makes an incredible point on forgiveness that will shock you. I hope it brings healing to your soul.

How did this make you feel? How do you deal with forgiveness? Let me know in the comments below.

94 COMMENTS

  1. Im having the hard time to forgive.
    I don’t know what wrong with me,but its so hard to let go.

    • Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do, but holding onto bitterness hurts you the most. Do it for you.

  2. how to forgive a person who once was forgiven…but keeps repeating thesame mistakes and treated you worthless…to forgive is easy to say..but deep inside the heart is difficult to do…God help me..heal my broken heart first…strengthen my faith to you….that soon I can forgive those people who hurt me so much with my own will..grant me and my family peace of mind…in Jesus name…amen

  3. Theotherapy is what did it for me! Total release and burden of unforgiveness lifted…toward others and myself!! It was a miracle. Folks said I didn’t look like the same person after being released from all the poison of unforgiveness. I was actually cleansed by the blood of Jesus…His compassion, mercy, forgiveness, and love flowed thru my entire being in the process of forgiveness! I was born again! “Forgive them for they know not what they do…” People are struggling and they don’t fully realize what their actions do to others; not really. Just like I don’t fully ‘get’ what I do to others. When I saw people in this way…I felt empathy, compassion, and mercy for them!! I was freed. Having ignorant people around us in life…who are not totally aware of what they should do to keep me happy…will be around I suppose til death. Knowing that helps me to not get bent out of shape when they are being human. I pray others will let me go too and forgive me. If not, that’s ok. God is #1 and I know God always loves me, understands me, and will never leave or forsake me…and will stick closer than a brother. Humans can’t love as God does! I found the true source of everything. Why get caught up in unforgiveness toward mere humans. I want to enjoy life with The Holy Trinity and the sweet peace they provide. Peace to all.

  4. At 2am this morning I decided to forgive. I once heard that forgiving is the greatest power you can hold. I was ready to be powerful again

  5. It really touched me somehow and i’m gonna try seriously to forgive my ex-husband.. Thanks a lot it was really helpful 🙂

    • Jojo, that’s incredible. So glad you were moved to action, you will only become happier from forgiveness.

  6. This really touched me. I personally had to struggle with this. After having a tough upbringing and coming from a not so loving home. As well as being an elite athlete growing up (lots of pressure). I decided at the age of 18 I would go to university. So off i went… Little did I know over night my identity was soon to be stolen from me. I got really sick and this meant I had to quit my sport. This was a really hard time for me, I also found out my partner had been cheating in me. So aged 18, I was at uni, no family around me, no sport and no identity. I had a break down. I then faced 2/3 years of depression and rebuilding my life. The early stages of this experience were very confused, I was extremely angry and had a lot off hate for a lot of people. There is one lady who I will always be in debt to. During my recovery she was like an angel being sent to help me. She helped me with the forgiveness aspect & like that video… I had to relive every memory. Write down how it made me feel, accept it, understand it and leave it behind me. Learning to do this has been invaluable. I now have the ability to empathise with those around me and put myself in their shoes when things form go the way I hoped. This method seriously works and I recxomend anyone trying to forgive and move on to use it. I am happy to say I am now at peace and I use my experiences to help others 🙂

  7. Dale, I know romantic heartbreak and betrayal is devastating and the forgiveness needed is very real and true as in your own experience, but to me, as a divorced mother and grandmother, there are worse scenerios than letting go of a romantic heartbreak. My own two adult children have become the most toxic people to me that you can even imagine to a loving, caring and responsible parent. They are mean to me in ways that blow people’s minds when I speak of their attitudes towards me that they don’t have towards others. Of course, that’s me saying that, so must be something wrong with me that I have done, but getting sympathy on a website is not my way of getting attention. My point is, it seems like I have “loved too much” as a mother that all they know is that it’s expected but no point in loving me as another adult in their lives now. Anyway, forgiving your loved ones who don’t love you back is the hardest thing to do because it’s not anger and bitterness that you feel, only hurt that you must keep a distance for your own mental health so they cannot abuse your love. Takes a lot of prayer and faith to “juggle” the mixed emotions beyond a romantic break up (which I’ve had enough of those to get that too 🙂 All I can say is, without working towards being myself in Christ, it would be impossible to bear. But with Christ, all things are possible and He will restore all that has been lost.

    • Wow, thank you for sharing your transparent heart with me Diane. I cannot imagine the things you have gone through, but it brings me much joy you’ve learned to go through it with Christ. Truly, with Him all things are possible. All.

    • I know what it is like to come from a mean background. When you are around that so much you start to believe that is all you might deserve. I think it’s best to take a stand with your children. Tell them you love them, but you expect to be treated with respect as their mother. You then have the option to disengage if that is too hard for them. If you are lucky, they will shape up and treat you better. If not, it is better to let go of them for however long is needed than allowing your children to continue to treat you badly. That is not the example you should want to set for them and any grandchildren around b/c that will then become a cycle. Tell them this is what you expect…a,b,c, and d and if they can’t treat you with those basics, then you chose to distance yourself from them. It will then be up to them, but at least you did your part in setting the correct tone and respecting yourself. As a mother you could say,” I did my best to teach you how to love and treat others kindly and lately you have not been displaying any of those lessons to your own mother, the one who tried to teach you how to be a decent human. It is disrespectful and I simply won’t allow it to go on. Either chose to respect me, my life and my choices and treat me as an adult would an employer, or be on your way.” Easier said then done, but good luck!

  8. This post arrived to my inbox right on time. Just to hear someone say out loud that forgiveness is for you and not for the other person, it was like someone turned the lightbulb on. Thank you.

  9. That is tough to go through. I couldn’t even imagine the pain of dating someone for two years and finding out they cheated on you with your best friend. That is difficult. Thanks for the post Dale. It is so tough to forgive you. You really have to make a conscious effort at it.

    One of the best ways for me is that I consciously reframe my thoughts and also write down a gratitude letter each day on why that person was important to my life and I am thankful for them for that reason and that I forgive them now.

  10. i cheated on someone too…at that point of time when making the mistake…i didnt realise…i just fell into it….but after the struggles that “someone”has made…to get me back…i realised..how important that person is to me…and i realised no one can be as more as loving to me than him…i was wrong and i made the biggest mistake…but he made me realise..by forgiving me every single day…and giving me a chance…He is the one for me i knew…ill never let him down anymore..You see you guys…sometime, when a person cheats on you…doesnt mean that they dont love u anymore…we are human beings…we sometimes forget who we are…we always need someone to put us back into track…like our mother , father,God,a friend a relative or even that special someone….in my case its my mommy and “someone”..he never gave up hope…and he wasnt ready to give me up….he believed in his love…and he put effort for it…by making me open my eyes…the other guy was a good guy too….but he wasnt the one….!….yes i was in a mess….but he helped me through it all…backing me up along the way…i am blessed to have someone like him…so guys and girls out there….dont think if that person has left you,she dont love you anymore….if you realy want him or her…put some effort and make them realise…you will be the winner at the end..and it all starts from forgiving yourself or that person..tcr.Have a nice day…

  11. Couldn’t have read this at a better time. My mother has and is causing a lot of pain and stress and grief between the family and is the most controlling and negative person i have ever known but I have to keep reminding myself how unhappy she must be inside to live with the stress she creates and also my father who is blind to it all after so many years. Its not easy to walk away from members of your own family but I know that i will have to just forgive and walk away to get on with my own life so that i can continue on my path and fill my own world with love and happiness. Thank you for the inspiring read

    • Exactly. Sometimes you have to love people from a distance. We are not called to be everyone’s best friend, but we are called to love and forgive. Sounds like you’re doing the right thing!

  12. Seeing this video just brought to mind my own experiences and I can vouch with Godly conviction that to forgive sets one free of bitterness, unhappiness, anger and all the negative feelings that holds one trapped! Forgive and experience Freedom! You will even find that you can Pray for those that have caused the hurt because the resentment would be replaced with feelings of pity

  13. Forgiveness is not a choice you make yourself it is a choice that God established. In his word He says that if you do not forgive than I will not forgive you. Just remember that you are now free from any and all hurt that she caused you.

  14. Still struggling on it… but a really good article. Thanks!
    I’d like to stress, that betrayal does not come only by being cheated by significant other though, but it can come from other people like family or good friends. The effect is the same.

    • Absolutely, and it doesn’t make it easier coming from family or friends either. Keep fighting my friend, the end result is worth the joy that replaces the bitterness and anger.

  15. I have been hurt, betrayed and lied to by men who couldn’t been honest enough to say they were married. God does heal and I have to trust God he knows what is best. I still have hope that God will bless me with the right man.

  16. Its really hard to forgive leadership because you expect more from them. But they are human and humans make mistakes.

  17. The forgiveness part isn’t hard. The difficulty for me lies in the fact that I have to look at someone for the rest of my life that totally crushed me. I don’t want to be with someone that I can only love with 99% of my heart. That missing 1% makes all the difference in the world.

  18. Not trying to minimize what you went through, but it can be easier to “forgive and forget” when the person who hurt you is no longer in your life. For those who still have to co-parent with an ex-spouse who cheated, or for those who have been hurt by someone they still have to see regularly (like a family member), it can be much harder to forget. I was hurt by a family member, who then acted like nothing ever happened. I have to see this person at family gatherings on a regular basis. I have forgiven the person, in that I don’t hold it against them. But I can’t forget the way I was treated, when there are constant triggers I can’t control. Forgiveness is extremely important, but it’s ok to not forget. Sometimes, that is actually wise.

  19. My husband cheated on me with his cousin. He told me to leave. 25 years and three children with this man. I still have to see him because of the children. How do I forgive THAT?

    • Tracie, I’m so sorry to hear this. I can completely understand! My husband of 22 years had/ is having an affair with my stepsister. I have to see him daily as we work together and neither can afford to quit. He walked out on our family about 6 months ago. How you forgive?? I don’t know. I just know that I can only move forward and do everything I can to help and protect my teenage daughter and I. I wish you strength, peace, and future happiness and please know you’re not alone.

      • Geez. These posts make me feel for all of you. Tracie, my advice is put your energy into your children and being a good mother. He may have discarded you as his wife, but you will never be replaceable as a mother to your kids. They know what is going on so be sure to show strength and kindness and not allow pettiness to interfere with their opinion of you. As for your husband, let him go. He did give you three beautiful children. Focus on them and make them your number one in life. Soon, you may see you are better off. I am so sorry to hear, but believe you will come through it alright. Kim you sound strong! That would be unbearable for most people. I truly respect your courage. I don’t know, but both posts just sound like selfish men behaving very badly to those they were committed to. I know what it is like to walk away from a marriage and I didn’t do the best of it. I didn’t leave him for anyone else. I just tried to get out of an unhappy situation that I thought might eventually end like one of your situations had. I didn’t want to go down that road. That doesn’t make me cruel or awful, but I did what was particularly hard which was admit a mistake and try to rectify it. I knew I would be happier with someone else and suspected he would as well. I received most of the blame for the marriage’s dissolution though. I regretted entering the marriage in the first place, but when I left I truly believed I was doing what was best for everyone and even wished him well. He married a few years later and I am still unmarried, but it validated my belief that he wanted someone else at how quickly he got on. Actions speak louder. I took it all pretty hard b/c I wished it all had never happened plus the blame. Sometimes you can be gracious and kind and still be seen as the bad guy. Since, I have taken my time and have no plans on recreating that experience. I learned from the first time that when I enter into a new union I want it to be lasting. Preferably eternally. And I will always say I did what I thought was right at the time even though it hurt people. I didn’t know how else to get out without just stating the obvious. It will always be hard for me b/c truth be told I wish I could have taken back the entire thing.

  20. I’m in a struggle to forgive a family member at the moment. It’s tricky. The toxicity between us is from her zeal for Jesus, which is horrible because we’re BOTH Christians. We don’t see all theological points the same (who does?) and while I’m alright with that, she takes major issue with it. She has on more than one occasion pulled verbal knives on me when we hadn’t even been in contact for weeks. Accusing me of not loving Jesus, of rejecting this and that. My whole life has been a fight and a race to lean more deeply into the love of Christ and imitate his life. I think what makes the relationship so hard is that there’s no clear-cut “bad guy”. I know she loves the Lord, though I disagree, strongly, with how she tries to correct her brothers and sisters, and how she at times clings to her legalism. She discarded me a few weeks ago, claiming that she “won’t be in the presence of me and my sin”(I don’t take sin lightly, by the way), after a vicious tongue lashing about some gossip she heard that wasn’t even true. She didn’t even try to talk to me about it first to see what was actually truth. The worst part about it all is that, because I know how zealous she is for God, a part of me questions if she’s right, and I’m just some horrible, wicked monster (which I guess we all are without Christ) who will be cast away by God because of some theological point I missed along the way. It makes it hard to take shelter in the presence of God, because what if He receives me the same way she has? What if there’s nothing but contempt and condemnation waiting for me at the end of my life?

    It’s so hard to see Christ when you encounter followers who are so adamant about playing judge.
    In retrospect… sometimes it’s good to have people bludgeon you with their malice and misplaced insecurities. It grows you. Despite how painful and awful this whole ordeal has been, I’ve sought Jesus more than possibly any other time in my life. I had to lay down my incessant desire to please people and hold good accord with my fellow man. Sometimes getting marred by your loved ones humbles you enough to enter into God’s presence, because you’re finally aware of just how broken you really are.
    Forgiveness is tough. But I suppose as Christians we’re striving to spread and invite others to experience the Gospel of Grace. Grace. Forgiveness. Love. Compassion and empathy. Unearned righteousness.

    Sorry, this was long and admittedly self-indulgent. I’ve just been stewing on all the hurtful words, fighting to keep it from stealing my identity, and I guess I just needed to vent.

  21. Some betrayal, they were just so deep carved in your heart, it’s so hard to forgive, and by time, you might start hating yourself for giving them the chance to betray you, im so tired of living a life like this but i just can’t seem to move on after so many years…

    • You don’t sound ready to forgive yet imo. I suggest you step back and worry less about how this other person is feeling since they betrayed you. Put yourself first, ahead of this betrayal and give yourself worth and power. Then when you are able, continue to address forgiveness and the pain in your heart. You will eventually overcome it in time with persistence and willpower. Be patient and kind to yourself and keep asking for help from the right people. Not those who betrayed you. Let them go for now. Betrayal is just a thing. It has no power over you unless you allow it. Take the power back!

  22. Thank you for sharing your story Dale. I’ve struggled with forgiving myself and this post is an eye opener & extremely helpful

  23. In 1990 after brain surgery to remove a tumor from my right frontal lobe I developed severe depression. I ended up attempting suicide twice within a 6 month period. The doctors decided to admit me to the psych ward for 30 days. After trying me on various medications to no avail they tried me on Lithium. I responded positively. The head resident quickly admitted that I must have bi-polar illness. I was released from hospital shortly after this discovery and placed under the supervision of a great psychiatrist who I met on a weekly basis. The only real down side was the following. A friend of my wife told her, “He’s bi-polar? He’s going to be in and out of the hospital the rest of his life. You better get rid of him.” So she did. We divorced 6 months later. I made a deal with her. I said I’ll give you the house, the car and half the furniture on one condition. That you don’t ask me for child support of our two children. She was OK with that considering I couldn’t work any more and was only collecting a disability pension at the time. I haven’t worked since. I did eventually forgive her in my own mind because she left me because of misinformation about my illness. To this day I no longer suffer from depression. What challenges me now is the mania. I often find myself staying up all night long surfing the net and doing other work on my computer. I also attend a weekly support group for people with bi-polar illness to show people there can be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow as long as they are willing to accept their illness and take their medication as prescribed. There can be a positive side to this illness.

    • That’s awful! Your wife did an evil thing. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse. I’m sorry to hear that. Sometimes people do the wrong things. I only hope you meet someone who is more tolerant and truly loves you and doesn’t judge you over some diagnosis.

  24. i decide to forgive and chose to move on…… but how would i forget…. it seems impossible and keeps haunting you back. specially if i have to see that person everyday and i will share my entire life with him…..i fail to trust him every time i try, despite he admitted for his mistakes, apologised , cried several times….looks devastated. but the fear of getting betrayed again wont go…. that the second time will be my mistake, by deciding to keep the him in my life and that i wont be able to recover….

    • I get it. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I think deciding to forgive matters b/c that is for you and no one else. I think sometimes we think if we forgive someone we are letting them off the hook, but really we are letting ourselves go from a source of pain or unhappiness. When you get to it, you will realize betrayal is never because of something you did or said. It will always reflect back to the person who did the betraying. It’s hard to see it that way, but it is kinda simple. If you would never dream of hurting someone in the way that they hurt you, that can mean you thought they were someone they weren’t or they tried to act like they were capable of being like you. And sometimes, myself included, I know I have extremely high morals and frequently end up disappointed when people fail to rise up to to my high standards. That only means that someone truly magnificent will ever be able to truly satisfy me and if they betray me, they weren’t that special someone. It is a weird type of compliment that hurts as well as heals. People will try and many of the wrong ones will try to win the affection of a stellar person only to betray them. People like this,aka myself, need to learn that not everyone is as strong as they are and it is in fact a sign of weakness in those who betray others. Eventually, you can forgive and hope they will chose a wiser path if ever confronted with the same dilemma again. And you may have to learn to be more guarded or careful around this person in the future. But realize just because you are bestowed with extraordinary kindness and the need to do well to others, does not mean everyone else thinks the same way. There will be people who will hurt you and disappoint you. My aunt once told me that and she was right. It doesn’t mean you should settle for less than what you deserve, but maybe whoever betrayed you was less than what you deserved if what they did was so out of bounds. I think truly, in the end, if you can come to forgive, that will mean learning to protect yourself more plus be more realistic and those who betray us might be able to reevaluate how they treat other people. This might be the purpose of things like betrayal. You may have wanted a good relationship with them and that may not be possible afterwards. But if you both learn how to move on, maybe that is what God truly wants for you, He wants you to learn and to grow not be stuck suffering b/c some human betrayed you. That;s hwy he made billions of us so we could try try again! That is what I believe. And no use crying over what you wanted, He obviously wanted something else for you. So allow yourself to be moved in whatever direction that might be, You will most likely not be disappointed. Whatever you went through I truly understand and feel free to share more. Chin up. 🙂

  25. But how did you even begin to take the first steps of forgiving her? I was betrayed similarly, not exactly the same, but the same level, like people who were supposed to be “on my side”….the hurt and anger from what they did is so deep that I almost don’t even have the desire to forgive them….the only reason I “want” to is because I know God tells us to forgive 70×7…..

  26. The guy I was with and felt so compatible with had a secret life with several different women. It really hurt and I had to eventually walk away. I was lost and confused and my dreams of happiness shattered. I forgave him cos I loved him and knew the relationship was futile. I think you can only forgive after the anger and grief is over. Gradually the pain and memories got easier. I still miss him but I needed to Let go. I don’t know how it happened but somehow I realised life outside this relationship made me feel worthy again.

    • I am envious that you had the strength to walk away. I married the person who betrayed me from the beginning. I feel I have no self worth. Everyone knows what he did to me too, even his ex wife. I feel like they all think it’s a big joke, like I must be some desperate loser. The thing is, I’m told I am beautiful all the time. Physically, I guess I am. Inside, I feel like the biggest loser.

    • No doubt dt forgiveness is d attribute of a strong not weak so wt makes u so strong 2 4gve others bt weak 2 let it go …….. i had been thru d same finally i discovered true happiness in letting go… 😉

  27. Dale, what about the other side of this discussion. How do we forgive ourselves for making mistakes? How can we make it up to those we hurt?

  28. Im having a relatioship that i dont really understand myself ,we love each other very much but we decided to be just friends ( but we still act like bf and gf ) but without any commitment. I foind out that she is having another man in her life not 1, maybe 2 or 3 after a view week we said that we will be just “friends” . The thing is she never admited that she have someone else while she is with me , it make my heart feel better when i hear that , because that is what i want to hear. But on the other hand i know that is not true at all , i asked her and she said we are just friend , why are u so nosy about my male friends? , and i asked her back if u really love me whats with the other man? Why are we still intimate? Why dont you just let me go ? And her answer is always that she still love me and im still the “only one” . Its like that song by sam smith “im not the only one” . And now i decided to let her go , because my heart wont heal with her in my life . But she still want to be with me as a friend, which with no doubt that deep inside my heart i would love to take her back ti be whatever she want me to be . But at the end im the one whos hurt . It hurt so much to imagine what she has done to you ans shes doing it with someone else .

  29. I had to end my twenty two years of friendship with my ex best friend recently, and honestly, it was heartbreaking. I’ve know this man since we were in the third grade, and we had grown up together. My ex best friend was not only my confidant, he encouraged me to do my best, and to be my best-no matter what the challenges that lied ahead. I’m going to miss him, but I refuse to maintain a friendship with someone that doesn’t RESPECT me!

    I feel that my ex best friend’s “girlfriend” was the problem, because she was lashing her insecurities out on me-even I hadn’t said or done anything towards this woman for her to feel like I’m the BIGGEST threat to her! Although my ex best friend was STUPID enough to broadcast his business on Facebook for the whole entire universe to know, I felt that his relationship issues wasn’t something that needs to be discussed, and that it wasn’t anyone’s business to know. My ex best friend was furious with me when I told him the truth about his actions.

    When his STUPID “girlfriend” was talking to me CRAZY again, I had to put this little girl in her place. The next morning, my ex best friend was sending me text messages, by calling me every name in the book! I was so furious that I told him the truth about himself and his so-called “girlfriend.” He had the NERVE to ask me if I want to work on my friendship with him, and decided that I wasn’t interested in doing that. Since he wanted to play the role of a victim, I had NO CHOICE but to end my friendship with him. My ex best friend doesn’t know the true meaning of friendship, and how important it is to maintain it. Friendships isn’t something that has to be worked on, when it’s supposed to stay true. He was too busy taking sides, and his actions has proven to me that he was very immature, and couldn’t handle the issue like an adult.

    I’m having a difficult time trying to forgive my ex best friend, because he was treating me like garbage! I’ve ALWAYS been very supportive of him and his decisions, I encouraged him to do better for himself and to set a great example to his children. Most importantly, I had NEVER brought him down (even though I was accused of this!)! My ex best friend’s behavior was atrocious, and it seems that him and his “girlfriend” are stuck in high school-which I find absolutely HILARIOUS! He’s nothing but a sanctimonious bastard, and I hope that Karma catches up with him. So, I’m going to sit back, and allow Karma to do her thing.

    • I had something similar happen to me. I knew a guy who seemed like someone I’d known forever. He had a friend or girlfriend. I’m not sure what she was to be honest because he never talked about her. i thought they were threw. He and I started to get attracted to one another and I knew he was probably sending her signals that he was interested in me without even realizing it. (working out, eating better) These things are things girlfriends notice. I did not know for sure what their status was though at the time, but I got the feeling he was trying to dump her, but couldn’t quite get out of it. One night he was reading an article about it. I was just too slow to put it together. Long story short, a couple months later, I ended up in the hospital because someone put bath salts in my food. Ironically at this same time, this guy’s “friend” shows up and all of a sudden needed him to leave town and other sorts of emergency-type of situations. It seemed very sketchy. I did not know what was going on. A good friend saved my life and he is a telepath so he knew what had happened to me. He told me. Then he mentioned that there were women involved. I brought it up to this guy shortly after. I told him I was drugged. He refused to believe me. Months later I told him it was someone he knew. I am convinced his ex or whatever she was was pissed about me and him. I told some people that I should have never trusted that he had said some things like wanting to marry me etc. I think they told her. And I think that is why she did it. Anyway, the guy refused to believe any of what I said to him. After confronting him twice, I told him to have a nice life because there is no way in hell I could stay friends or anything with some guy who would allow that to happen and do nothing. I almost perished and he wouldn’t even investigate it. Seriously, what does he have to lose? I’d just tell him to ask the crazy woman. He even told me she is a liar. Anyway, the woman wanted me out of the picture. If I’m wrong, hell I’ll apologize to her in the flesh, but sadly I don’t think I’m wrong. I do know someone was mighty pissed off at me. Mad enough to want to put bath salts in my stuff and it damn near killed me. And if anyone had a reason, it would be the girlfriend of this guy who I cared about, but didn’t know was still with the guy I knew. It seems logical to me. Normally, I would just move on and let things go, but in this instance the woman nearly ended my life in which case, yeah it still bothers me.

  30. Great post. Went through almost the exact same thing and I’m still struggling to seek a heart of forgiveness each day. Still, your words are so encouraging.

  31. Love seeing people use science to reflect the truth of scripture! Great article/video on the relief that comes with forgiveness.

  32. How can you even keep forgiving someone who just keeps doing it to you though? Yeah te first two times I forgave easily but it sat on the back of my mind at times. My boyfriend has cheated on me 7 danm times and all were supposed old friends of his. I just had his danm kid and not even a week of me being out of hospital and he’s trying to get laid by his ex girlfriend. I have learned you can’t always forgive someone . I am forever scard from trusting him . The fact he purposely does it in front of me is even worse. E cries for forgiveness every time I up and leave but the way I’m learning it is he is only sorry he got caught but not for what he’s been doing to me!

    • I have been where you are…it is humiliating , degrading and extremely painful … yet I stayed , to have my family together )married 28 years now , 2 beautiful daughters ….. but fact is , he will never change and I had to decide if I could live with that , and I have finally said enough is enough ,I HOPE AND PRAY. I know I am damaged from this abuse and must take responsibility to why I continued to be treated like this , yet believing in your husband is what I really wanted and tried to do …IS THAT WRONG???? He just did something unimaginable , when I went home to Europe to see my parents that are getting older he donated away all my clothes , sold, threw away and gave away all of my furniture and memories (I am an Interior designer and had only one of a kind pieces…I also had painted all of our paintings and refurbished & designed some of the pieces …they took me a very long time and I had a deep passion and love for my very specially picked interior decor and furniture…it took me 23 years to collect what I had)He also sold my car and is now living with another woman …all this in 6 weeks…..I AM DEVASTATED that I have spent all my years w a man that is capable of this evil. Though I have had to endure verbal abuse almost daily , countless affairs, lies , secrets and drug use …this seems to have taken a really damaging toll on me . BUT I KNOW and I must/will FORGIVE him …so I can get peace. I choose to use STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM instead of Forgiving …just wanted to share ….. I will try one day at the time to divert my thoughts so that bad will not destroy my life …and my last years here on earth ….

  33. I am struggling to forgive my ex-boss who let me go after my 2 year battle with cancer. I had worked for him for 25 years. Still confused and sad all the time. My life has changed severely with the loss of this job. Financially, self esteem and quality of life. I am drained and wish I could move on.

    • This post struck me, because I can relate somewhat, even though what happened to me wasn’t nearly as severe. I was let go after giving myself over entirely to a boss and his enterprise for 7 years. He was a friend, mentor and like a father (not my concoction, the whole family treated me like family). It was so painful to be sent packing. The feeling of loss took me off guard. I didn’t expect to feel so humiliated. It’s been a work in progress for me to let it go. I was so depressed and hurt and I went under for a while. It’s been a year and I’m working somewhere else where I feel much more useful and actually pretty darn free come to think of it. Nonetheless, it’s hard to explain to others why I felt so devastated. I hope and pray that you experience a real break in the clouds on this. It’s a great burden to bear. I can’t imagine experiencing that to your degree. Best to you today and always.

  34. About 5 months ago my previous relationship ended very abruptly and suddenly. The reasons for it was still very unclear. I can relate to the post, because I also had sleepless nights and dreadful days. My decision to confront the situation head on was probably the death blow. It came out that my emotional state at the time and the subsequent effects of it was too much to handle. I have to admit that my depression at the time of the brake up was severe for anyone close to me. At first we attempted to keep a friendship relationship, with which I couldn’t cope. We were together for just over a year. I started doubting myself and blaming myself for what had happened without doing any retrospection on the matter. I came to the conclusion that this was a two way street. Before the relationship I was this confident, solid and content person. Anger, regret, jealousy, resentment, all the negative bad words started creeping in.

    I had to get help to get me out of this hole that was sucking me in further and further. The first advice I got was getting rid of any online connections. To say the least this did not go down well. I was confronted, upon which I replied selfishly that I want to forget and move on. Subsequently a was blocked by her(as if I had any desire to check up on her, we have enough mutual friends). In the meantime I watched a film in which one of the tag lines was: don’t fight hurt with hurt. I was hurt. I looked for a way to convey my feelings that was not very orthodox and well thought through. I guess when a heart is broken no one can think straight. I sat there and realized how this whole messy situation could be dealt with. I found it deep within myself to get off my moral high hoarse and apologize for the ridiculous online war, sebsequint hurt and harm I caused her and the relationship. Sometimes I think I was too hard on myself, but I wanted to do this right. After my whole confession I asked and hoped for forgiveness. I will never know wether I got it or not.

    Why am I telling this sad story? The crux is this: Forgiveness is something you have no power over. God has power over forgiveness, because He sent his Son so that all of us can be forgiven regardless. How much so should we not forgive? I forgave her in my silence, although she did not asked for it. I had to. I do not have the power to carry the burden of recentment with me. I know I did the right thing by coming clean and open my heart. To forgive and to be forgiven gives even the greatest enemies peace and closure. I don’t expect any reply or same gesture. All I know is that I got my power back after confessing and forgiving. Forgive regardless and experience the beautiful human inside of you.

    • I can relate on what have happened to you. My boyfriend and my bestfriend had a relationship. They betrayed me. I caught them when my boyfriend left his facebook open on his laptop. It was a year ago, but somehow it feels the pain was still fresh to me. I forgave my boyfriend and left my best friend, but still it is hurt inside when I remember it. I am still struggling how could I trust him and love him the way I love him before. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

      • Same here. I actually married the person who was dishonest from the beginning!! He has been amazing to me, and done everything to make amends. But I hurt inside almost everyday from it. It happened 7 years ago, and I can’t let it go. How do we let it go?

        • wow. I feel the same way. we are going on three years. he is a wonderful man. but in the beginning, he wasn’t the best. in fact, he was pretty shitty. he is a completely different than whom he been when we first met. but, sometimes, I cannot help feeling heartbroken. often than not, it feels like it just happened yesterday. and the women he used to be involved with, I find myself in envy of them. I’m all fucked up. but I do love him. I have been asking the same question you had asked. how do I let it go?? I need answers. I feel like I am the one ruining our relationship with this ….

  35. This is a very good video, and hits on a point I’m struggling with. Yes, I suppose that you can forgive someone “by yourself”, but truth be told, it is far easier to forgive someone, face to face, after they have reached out to you and made a sincere apology to you for doing wrong. But this is not always possible. In my case, I’m married and met someone whom I became lovers with; please don’t judge me, it just happened. One night we were together she mentioned that she was having her first book published the next month. I was thrilled for her and spent a week online during my lunch hours finding the perfect gift, a beautiful engraved necklace for her. Was going to take her to dinner and give it her to celebrate. She had told me that she was going to give me a copy of the book as a “surprise” gift; I was flattered. Things were going great at the time, but soon turned sour. We were supposed to get together one night and she called it off at the last minute and stopped contacting me. I believe she started dating someone else (her prerogative, she’s single and I’m married) and at the same time she realized we were getting too close for her boundaries. I was devastated, I really cared deeply for her. I wrote her a (rather scathing) goodbye letter about how badly she’d hurt me by blowing me off like that, and that I had a gift for her anyways; I gave the letter to her at the club where she worked, only saying “goodbye” to her as I handed the letter to her. I could see that she was visibly hurt when I did this. In the letter I told her that the gift would be here in in a week and I would drop it off at the club, but wouldn’t be able to talk to her because I’d be too choked up. The gift came a week later, and we did indeed talk – however, it did not go well, she basically told me that she wasn’t going to get involved with a married guy, but I was devastated nonetheless. She called me her “ex-lover” right then and there, but that we “could still be friends” – wow. She ended up telling me that “we would talk” after the holidays, and that she would reach out to me when her book was published (probably the next month) and we would get together outside of the club to exchange gifts. She put her hand over her heart when she said she’d reach out to me.
    Long story short – I went into the club about a month later, but did not reach out to talk to her, as all that she said a month earlier was on my mind. I actually spent time with another woman that night. She did come over to me later and began talking to me – I was kind of cold to her, still hurting. To get back at me, she saw a friend and then said “I have to go be with a friend, but after that, we’ll talk”. Needless to say, I’m nobody’s dog, and left the club without talking any more, I wasn’t going to wait for her to talk to her friend after we had started talking first.
    This is where it gets really ugly; two weeks later I was in a very serious car accident, and could have been killed. I was knocked unconscious during the accident; when I came to, I could not breathe. My next thoughts were of my kids…and then her. When I returned to work two weeks later, I did not see any emails about her book, nor had she texted me. So, reluctantly, I reached out to her – told her that I’d been in a bad accident, and that I still wanted to get together to exchange the gifts, that it would be nice to see her. Asked her if she didn’t want to do that anymore to please just let me know. I waited two weeks for a response and got none. This hurt me more than anything I had ever been through – this woman, who was my lover, did not even reach out to me to see how I was doing even after she knows I was in a bad accident. So, I wrote a note around the necklace, saying that I could not understand why she would not respond to my email, and that it hurt that she did not reach out to me as she said she would about the gifts, but that what really hurt (to my very soul, I told her) was the fact that she did not check on me after the accident, and that the relationship was the most important thing, not the gifts, I congratulated her on her book regardless. I gave the necklace to a friend of hers at the club to give it to her, I couldn’t bear to do it by myself feeling like this and couldn’t bear having it around anymore to remind me of her. Of course, she hasn’t said anything to me since then…not even a “thank you”.
    I have tried to start the process of forgiving her by myself, but it is so, so hard. How am I supposed to forgive her for this!? I would go into the club to talk to her / tell her I forgive her / reconcile if even possible – but I am petrified that she would say / do something else to hurt me again! Any advice??? What would you do??

    • Have you thought about your wife? Please, be a MAN. If you expect this other woman to be decent to you, you need to be decent to your wife. That may begin the process of healing. Maybe this is God’s way of telling you to get your priorities in order. Be honest with your wife. I am not judging you. But I know the longer you let this other woman influence your day to day without telling your wife, the worse it is going to be.
      If you think your wife isn’t suspicious, I have news for you. She is. We aren’t stupid.

  36. I just now read this. . . I have found forgiveness very difficult too . . . During spring break 2015 I heard my sisters talking about me. . . They didn’t know that I was lying on the couch (in the same room) and they were very surprised to see me. . . I decided to take the high road and not fight back. I felt that distance would help. So i have stayed away from them since. They have tried to justify why they did what they did, but to me they were just being “mean girls”. It’s now July. . . And although I feel that I can’t trust them enough to open up to them, I know that they are my sisters. And they always will be. . .

  37. I am married to a man who I lived a lie with for the first 6 months of our relationship. He had another phone, he still had a profile on the dating website we met on. He told me he loved me, that we were exclusive…it all came to a head one night when I suspected he wasn’t where he said he should be. I had keys to his house and I went on his computer and found his profile, active. I called him, he came racing home (he was supped to be home..was at a bar with another woman I found out). I told him to show me the other phone. I saw it physically, but he refused to let me see it…we broke up and after a month got back together. This was 7 years ago…
    He has changed in every sense. Took great care of my daughters (now ages 22 and 19), has helped me through cancer and job losses, has been the man I thought he was the whole time he deceived me. But I just can’t forget those first 6 months…they were amazing, but all a lie. I was devastated. He has done everything to make it up to me, but I can’t let it go.
    HOW do I ever let this go? CAN I ever let this go? 🙁

    • I have experienced a very similar situation. found out my boyfriend of two years and my childs father had been cheating on me for a year with his ex girlfriend. he had another phone to hide it as well. the extent he went to hide everything and so many lies. it is devastating. we broke up for a month and he came to me telling me he was getting rid of her and he made a huge mistake and he will try everyday for the rest of his life to change it and make it up to me. well I took him back. and I am so deeply in love with the man, but it stil hurts and I still cant forget how painful it is. I walk around with a broken heart still and I don’t know how to get over it. but I pray and pray and I have to have constant reassurance. that’s all I can do. I made the choice to either forgive and move on or don’t try at all and its worth trying.

  38. The biggest misunderstanding about forgiveness, I’ve found, is that people seem to think that it comes with everything going back to the way it was before the hurt. The trust magically restored. The intimacy as deep as ever.

    But that’s not always the end game of forgiveness. True, you forgive for yourself not for the other person. If you forgive someone who abuse you or assaulted you, it doesn’t mean you accept them back into your life. You’re still not safe with that person.

    If you forgive someone who has habitually lied to you or deceived you, it doesn’t mean you accept them back into your life. You still cannot trust them to tell the truth.

    Perhaps you can understand why they behave the way they do. Perhaps you can understand why they lie, as maybe they were socialized to do so. Maybe their childhood was so awful they had to lie to survive. It had become a way of life.

    It does not have to be your way of life.

    Forgive someone for your own peace of mind and clarity in your heart, but protect yourself from being hurt by that person again. You can do this either by accepting they are a liar and adjust your relationship to allow for that, or you can leave and move forward.

    I will no longer tolerate liars and cowards in a romantic relationship. Not even a little bit.

    Depending on the depth of other relationships, like friends and family, and on the severity of their choices, either cut them out of your life or distance yourself with acceptance of who they really are.

  39. I don’t think it can work in my situation. Ive tried forgiveness and moving on, but nothing has seemed to help. I just feel lost, helpless and overwhelmed with stress. My heart is filled with sadness, hatred, regret and frankly just feels like giving up. I’ve had a history of depression and it went away for years! Now it’s back and I can’t fight it.

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