No matter how passionately your relationship began, over time, it’s almost guaranteed that at least one of you will experience a dip in sexual desire.
When this happens, it can create a lot of tension in your marriage, and it can be easy to mistake the shift for falling out of love or incompatibility. Perhaps you start doubting the one you’re with and romanticizing or fantasizing about others.
However, this decreasing desire (with at least one person in a pair) would happen with just about anyone, even in that steamy romance you think would have sparks flying for a lifetime.
Instead of losing hope or letting the flame go out completely, we recommend applying these 3 key tips to awaken your sex drive:
3 Tips to Awaken Your Sex Drive
1. Start paying attention to and acting on the small flickers of desire you feel
When we’re first falling in love, desire often shows up as undeniable fireworks, and it feels like a rush, an overwhelming sensation and longing.
Over time, it’s incredibly common for desire to change and become much more subtle.
In a world of constant distractions and busyness, it can be so easy to override and miss out on your milder sexual sensations. In longtime love, especially for the partner with the lower libido, it’s important to train yourself to pay special attention to any pleasant physical sensations (such as slight pulsing around your genitals or breasts), any small flickers of desire, and any fleeting thoughts about sexuality. They may be very subtle at first, so pay close attention. Begin to let these small flickers overpower your hesitant or busy thoughts.
Let your body do more of the talking and leading. The more you recognize and act on these little flashes of desire, they will actually start growing.
2. Retrain your brain to realize arousal often needs to come before desire
Have you ever had this experience? You aren't in the mood at all but go along with it for your mate. Once you get going, you start to feel aroused and begin to enjoy yourself and feel a desire to continue.
Again, when we are newly in love or lust, desire can easily precede arousal. However, in longtime love, this can get flipped, and arousal and stimulation may need to come first for you.
In other words, if you just wait to feel a rush of desire before making love, it may never come. It is only once you start feeling pleasure that desire appears. Of course, this also means openly and honestly communicating with your lover or spouse so that they know the hottest erogenous zones that most quickly bring you to pleasure.
Next time you aren’t in the mood, remember — with a little arousal in the right places, there’s a good chance you will be in no time.
3. Have varied experiences
What’s so exciting when first falling in love? The adventure, the newness, the intrigue! Over time, if we always watch the same shows, go to the same restaurants, drive down the same roads, have the same kinds of conversations, wear the same clothes, and have sex at the same time, in the same place, in the same way, it doesn’t exactly facilitate erotic energy.
The comforts of routine can be a wonderful part of longtime love. In order to prevent boredom and stagnancy, it’s just so important that this isn’t all you are together. One of the greatest ways to keep attraction and passion alive is to create new experiences. Go on different outings. Wear something special. Have adventures. Spice things up. Keep things interesting.
So there you have it: start noticing and acting on the small flickers of desire; realize that desire may only come after you feel aroused; and keep having new experiences together.
Most importantly, know that keeping a relationship passionate and connected doesn’t happen by accident or luck. It comes from actively nurturing these things, and, when you do, the payoff is priceless.
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Christine Eartheart, Founder of the Center for Thriving Relationships, is passionate about helping couples learn easy and life-changing relationship skills to breakthrough gridlocked issues, transform conflict, communicate effectively, deepen connection, keep the spark alive, and create the kind of love they’ve always wanted. Along with her husband, they combine the heart and science of relationships in their renowned retreats, online courses (including their “ 6 Weeks to a Thriving Sex Life”) and private practice, serving clients worldwide. Be sure to visit www.CenterThrive.com to learn the top things you must do to thrive in your relationship.