The idea of conflict, a heated discussion or arguing can be a turn off for most people. I mean, who wants to be in a disagreement with someone – especially if it’s somebody you love. It can be draining and sometimes scary. But studies show conflict is healthy and a sign of a mature relationship.
When my relationship first began, I thought it was close to perfect. I couldn’t fathom what me and my then-boyfriend, now fiancé, would argue about. I was in for a rude awakening when we got into our first disagreement. Since I was not expecting it, I did not know how to react. After months of being together and several arguments later, I realized how arguing was strengthening my relationship.
1. Arguing Teaches You About Each Other
I’m a firm believer in that: you do not honestly know somebody until you have seen them upset. Anger is an ugly emotion when used wrong, but it can also show us the real, hidden nature of somebody. When used correctly, anger can help you learn and grow with someone.
Through our initial disagreements, I learned that my fiancé likes to solve the issue immediately whereas I want to have a moment to myself. It was hard trying to speak instantly after a dispute. As a compromise, we tried stay on the phone –even if we were quiet — until we resolved the issue. Some days it worked, and some days it didn’t.
As our relationship continued to blossom, we learned more about each other. We discovered how a particular tone or comment might be off-putting to the other – even if we didn’t mean anything by it. It sometimes took for us to be in opposition to learn how we want to be treated, talked to or what bothers us. And, that’s okay.
Lessons learned the hard way are usually the lessons we remember forever.
If it takes a quarrel to learn something about each other, make it a positive and grow from it.
2. Arguing Forces You To Work Together
It took a while for me to realize that at the end of the day, and during an argument, my fiancé and I wanted the same thing – to get back to normal us. We wanted to resume the laughing, the regular conversation and get back happy.
Getting into this mindset helped us power through many arguments by figuring out what the problem was. Once we realized the cause for the dispute — whether it being I felt ignored, or he felt attacked by my tone – it becomes easier to tackle the issue and not each other.
It should always be you and your partner against the problem, not you and your partner against each other.
3. Arguing Reminds You of Your Commitment
Some relationships just do not work out because of one too many arguments. Somebody took it too far, or someone couldn’t handle the conflict. That’s unfortunate because most times it’s great couples breaking up because they don’t understand that arguments can be healthy and strengthen the relationship.
During the midst of a heated, healthy battle, you must remember why you are with the person. It is usually love, or if it’s a new relationship – a deep like. Recall the good things about your partner and the relationship because after the storm blows over, that’s what you’re going back to. Easier said than done, I know.
In the middle of a few arguments, there have been times where both my fiancé and I have privately thought about (and later publicly laughed about, after we were good) calling it quits. But how silly were we, ready to end it all because I was upset he told me he didn’t like an outfit, or he misunderstood what I said in a text? Pretty silly.
My advice is to resolve the conflict in an adult-like manner for a reminder of why you are with your significant other. It also makes the next argument slightly easier because you have been through a few, got through a few and still love or like the person, you’re with. (Make sure you still like or love the person you’re with.)
Don’t allow a little scuffle, dispute or misunderstanding to tear your relationship apart. Instead, learn from it and realize how arguments can help strengthen your relationship. Imagine how much stronger your bond can be from learning about each other, working together to resolve a conflict and remembering why you're with each other.
Real relationships aren’t easy, but it’s always worth it. Even now into my engagement, my fiancé and I still have disagreements, and I expect to, long into when we’re married. But I remember how it helps us. Next time you and your beau find yourselves in a dispute, try to recall what I wrote to help you push through.